Jade's Babblings

I did find a home for my Quicksilver and Goldmoon. I am so sad to give them up. The guy from my work is going to take them. I just hope when we meet him tomorrow that he doesn't turn out to be a complete scumbag. Most of the people who work here have to at least look normal and send out some small sense of normalcy so I'm sure he'll be okay (it is a professional environment in a HUGE company after all). I'm going to meet him outside of my building tomorrow at 5:00. And John suggested that I give him our new breeder cage with the birds. It's kind of pointless for us now that TK and Peachy Keen don't have to be seperated anymore. So they'll go into Silver and Gold's cage (which I've never been fond of, but whatever) and Silver and Gold will get a nice shiny (practically new) cage to go to their new home in. The thing is huge. I'm sure they'll love it. Maybe Quicksilver can actually get away from Goldmoon occasionally, poor hen-pecked little guy.

I'm working from home tomorrow. I have a couple doctor's appointments so I felt it was silly to come in to work and my manager said that I can work from home for the afternoon.

One of those appointments is my third post op appointment. I feel a lot better than I did a month ago but I never expected the recovery process to take this long and I am still sore so I wish I could just feel normal again.

My second appointment is therapy. I don't feel like I have anything specific to be upset about, but as the title states. . .

This whole thing with some former members of our wedding party really sent me for a loop. Then when we went dress shopping on Saturday my mom said something completely stupid to John's mom and then John's mom told me about it last night and I so just want everyone to move on. Plus I've got to deal with feeling like a complete failure as a pet owner. There is so much going on and it's far too complicated to explain in a blog entry. It's especially not even worth it when you have maybe three readers anyway. Not that that would keep me from having a blog - I write for me, not for an audience. But some things aren't as important to write about when you know no one's reading it. I know what I feel and what I'm dealing with and going through so that's all that matters.

I've decided to have a lot less dealings with the 501st. That saddens me because that group was such an integral part of my life for the past three years. And once I got disfellowshipped I was really pulling my entire friend base from there as well. It's always sad to find out that a friendship meant far more to you than it did to the other person. I've had to move on from a few people like that in my life. I know I can do it again. But you'd really think by the time you are 23 that things would be a bit different than they were in high school and that you wouldn't have to be "moving on" from people you are supposedly friends with. I haven't spoken to anyone in there directly except for two people and only one of them is still in the wedding party and even him I haven't talked to in a while. I had to contact people first instead of them taking action when I really feel that John and I were very much wronged. Everyone I've told this situation to (with no names of course) was totally and completely shocked that we didn't just get up, walk out, and say goodbye for good. I'm not like that, though.

I'm just so done with all of this. While making up guest list after guest list for our wedding, John and I have really had an opportunity to evaluate where people stand in our lives (not just with this wedding party situation, but with everyone). And where we stand in theirs. And I gotta say, while I'm not entirely okay with looking around and saying, "wow, this is really all that's left, eh?" (as in, of the entire friendship base I've had my whole life, these few people are all that's left) I also have to say that it's not an entirely bad thing either. As you get older you have less time for bullshit. Less time for things that are not worth your time. I go to work every day, on my days off I take care of the house, I take care of John (and him me) and I take care and play with my pets. I have a couple really good friends and a few aquaintances and I think I'm beginning to be okay with that.

It'll be sad not to do as many 501st events anymore. Though we were told that it's not like we show up to them anyway. . . K. But it'll be good too. So much time and money has gone into costumes and now I think we (me for sure, and John is coming around too now) are realizing that sometimes it's just not worth it. Sometimes there are more important things in life. And when something in my life starts causing me more stress than joy. . . .well, it's time to cut that out.

Tonight I am going home and John is making me breakfast for dinner, which I am very much looking forward to. We will sit down and watch some of our favorite show ever - Star Trek: TNG - and then we will go to bed and snuggle and I will love that. Tomorrow morning I get to sleep in because post op isn't until 9:40 a.m. and then I'm going to go home and clean all the bird cages because they are way past due. I'll switch Quicksilver and Goldmoon and TK and Peachy Keen into their new homes and then I will relax. John'll be home around 1:30 and we'll hang out and then we'll get in the car and bring my two birds to their new home and I will say goodbye to them and maybe cry a little (though I think I got all my tears out today at work) and then we will go on to therapy. And maybe John will sit on it with me because so much of what I want to talk about involves him. Not necessarily something that is bothering me about him, but just things that involve him because John is the biggest part of my life and I want to talk about all of that tomorrow night. And maybe tomorrow night John will have an excited moment about the wedding. . .about me. . . and all this stress will melt away in some ways. Stress that we are putting on each other and stress that others have put on us.

Tonight I want to rest. Tonight I want to forget about stupid things. Tonight I want to pretend I don't have a job I hate (for the most part) and way too much stress in my life for someone my age. Tonight I am going to relax and just be.

I suck. I really do. I just feel like the worst pet owner.

But I have tried and tried with these two lovebirds and they are just not friendly or sociable. All six of them being in one room is just TOO much noise and we are being woken up at 2 a.m. every night by birds screaming. It's really beginning to take its toll on John and me. So. . .someone's got to go and it's got to be them.

They gave us that one great clutch since they've been with us and we found homes for three of the babies and kept Justarius, our little one foot wonder. But we just can't keep them. Not in the condo we're in now. Maybe someday when we have a soundproof bird room I could have kept them, but not now.

I really have tried to work with them. Quicksilver seems like he wants to come out and play, but Goldmoon yells at him. And Gold bites, hard. I just think they'll be better off by themselves somewhere in someone else's house who doesn't care that they never come out to play or whatever.

I contacted a couple shelters (not my favorite option) and almost gave them to this guy but then found out he has 42 birds - a bit of an overkill. So now I am negotiating with someone who works in my building (I posted them on the employee tackboard). I mean, I'm giving them to him for free, but I want to make sure that I can get updates about them every once in a while and make sure they are okay. Plus he has some young daughters and I wanted to make sure it was clear that Goldmoon is not child friendly.

I've had to give up two pets - the first was Mocha, this awesome lab that we adopted. But he hated cats and he chased my cat Lilly and scared her to death so Mom said he had to go. The night before we brought him back I sat with my arms around him and cried and cried. I know he's better off now though. Someone with two other labs adopted him and brings him to work everyday. Then Ray and I had to find a new home for our cat Bella because three cats in one apartment was too much and she didn't like us or the other two cats. I still cry about her if I think about her too much because I forgot the name of who took her so I don't even know how she is doing.

Only a true animal person can understand what I'm going through right now. I feel like such a failure to have to give up pets. I swore after Bella that I would never ever do this again. And I'm sure the guy who sold them to me doesn't want them going to someone else. But there's nothing I can do. I'm at my wit's end with all the screaming in our house. And John doesn't even like birds. Well, he likes Button and he tolerates Gunther as long as he is talking. But the lovebirds are driving him nuts so I'm doing this as much for him as for myself.

It's just so sad is all. And I really feel like a failure. That's all.

it's time now
to sing out
though the story never ends
lets celebrate
remember a year
in the life of friends
remember the love. . . .


one song
glory
one song
before I go
glory
one song to leave behind!

No day but today.

This movie was. . . an experience.
John bought out tickets online a few days before opening night. Good thing too. We got there about an hour early and were the first into the theater. John is the only guy I've ever felt comfortable enough to sit in the middle of the theater with. I used to have to be on the end of the row or I'd flip out, but for the past year I sit right in the middle of the row, middle of the theater. I love it!

After about fifteen minutes the teenage girls and homosexual teenage guys started piling in (not that there's anything wrong with that, as Jenn would say). I swear, an entire theater group from a high school must have gotten tickets together. They filled up 3/4 of the theater and everyone knew everyone. Someone would walk in the door and you'd hear 20 hellos. I really wanted to lean over and ask, but I didn't want to be the old creepy lady who annoys them when they're out having fun with their friends. ;)

They were fairly loud through "the twenty", this cheesy 20 minute segment that Regal theaters does to amuse people. I guess it's better than seeing the same three trivia questions scroll across the screen and listening to country music. I was worried all the teens were going to talk through the previews, one of my favorite things about the movies. But they quieted down for the most part. We sat through some unimpressive previews and then. . . . seasons of love came on with all eight characters in spotlights on the stage. I was shaking with excitement about finally seeing this made into a movie.

One of the girls in front of us mimicked Joanne's hand movements for a moment but then someone in back told her to shut the hell up and she quieted down for the most part again. The rest of the movie was peaceful.

If you were just walking in off the street I think this movie can still make an impact on you. Some of the parts they chose to say instead of sing sounded odd to me but that's because I've been listening to the soundtrack for nearly ten years now. I'm used to hearing those in song. The characters were perfect. how could they not be since they were the original broadway cast? I love Mark! I think I can relate to him the best.

I'm not a big fan of the homosexual lifestyle, I must say. I have no problem with the person but I have a definite problem with the way they live their lives. So I thought (as I did when I saw the play a few years ago) that Angel would really bother me since (s)he's pretty. . . flamboyant. But you just fall in love with the character, with all the characters, and the story could apply to anything in life. There's no way you can't find something to relate to in this film.

The music was phenomenal of course. I really loved the way they did the tango scene with Joanne and Mark and the scene between Joanne and Maureen with "take me or leave me" was just awesome! There were parts where you laughed out loud that you might not have when you went to see the play because with a movie on the big screen you can actually see character's facial expressions and the sarcasm in them or the joking manner.

I can't wait to see this film again. Even John was moved by it. That's a really good review to me. If he can sit there and actually have things to discuss after a musical like RENT I will definitely consider that a winner. He even started singing One Song Glory along with Roger when it started. I thought that was great!

I'm probably going to see it again on Saturday. My friend Desiree really wants to see it with me. I haven't seen her since before I got disfellowshipped. She's DFd too and living with her boyfriend. But I don't know if they are really the best association right now (for other reasons) so I've been kind of avoiding hanging out with her. But I think that a night out at the movies is safe enough. And maybe Paul and Sarah will go too. That'd be fun. I know Paul wants to see it since he was in chorus with Dez and I when we all learned some of the songs from this. . . .

The first in my new "things to think about" series. I'm sure that these types of entries will get more frequent as the wedding gets closer. Here's something that's fun to think about only because we don't really have to worry about it right now - wedding rings.

I got my dress yesterday! I have to pay the rest of it and pick it up before xmas. It was $100 cheaper because I bought it off the rack. John's Sarah put a deposit down on her bridesmaid dress so that they would be sure to hold them for us and my Sarah (there is no better way to refer to them right now, sorry) is going to go next week. We even found a couple cute dresses for Sadie. :)

On to rings. I love the new "insert picture" feature on here. Here are some engagement rings I like. Who knows, I may get one someday. lol. I don't mind not having one for now though. It's just more money to spend. But here are three I like.

My favorite is this amethyst one. It's got tiny diamonds on the side of it. I've always loved amethyst because purple is my favorite color. I know the price doesn't exactly signify the quality that maybe a $1000 ring would, but I think this one is really beautiful and it's my absolute favorite out of any of the rings I've looked at lately (and trust me, I've looked at a LOT).



Here is my second favorite. It's very traditional looking. And I like the white gold, as opposed to yellow. It's "only" a seventh of a carat, John said. But I think anything from one carat and up looks incredibly gaudy. I like smaller stones. Besides, I'm accident prone. I'd probably gouge my eye out on one of those huge ones.





And the heart-shaped. It had to be in there somewhere, right? The problem with heart-shaped diamonds, to me anyway, is that they never really look like hearts. But this one is still pretty and you really can't beat that price. ::hint hint::

Now, something even more important - wedding bands.

John and I aren't in complete agreement about that. I hate yellow gold, but I think that it looks rather nice when mixed with white gold. John flat out hates yellow gold - no ifs ands or buts about it. I kind of think that just a plain white gold without anything else won't look very "weddingy" but I'm also not going to make John wear something he hates. However, I'd included a mix of all the ones I found likeable. Some of them wouldn't be ones that were favs normally, but having only white gold to choose from in the long run, they are what I'd probably go with.

Here are a few. . . .





If we're just going to go with plain white gold then something simple like this will do nicely. I like the shape of this band.










This one's okay. The design is kind of interesting. And the price isn't bad either.










I love, love, love this ring! It's so polished and clean looking.






I'm hoping it's just the picture quality that's poor on this one. But it might be too girly for John anyway.




And that's it. Stay tuned for wedding dress and bridesmaid/flower girl dress pictures when I get some in. Except I'll have to put a big warning at the top so that John won't see them. :)

Yesterday was really a lot of fun. Sarah and Paul got a sitter for Sadie and they showed up at my place around 12:30. We drove all over the place for work clothes for Paul. First we went to BJs. I got a cute little outfit for Dawn's son. It's all sporty. I think they'll like it. They like the Red Sox and the Patriots and this is a little football outfit so.... It's really cute. Only 11 dollars too. On the way there I gave Sarah a bridesmaid guide that I got her as a gift. Kind of cheesy, but I love stuff like that - keeps you organized - so I figured it can't hurt. She seemed to like it, and we laughed at some of the more zany advice.

Paul found some pants at BJs and then we headed over to Kohl's. I have never seen a guy shop so long for clothes! lol. But I do think that the term "business casual" can confused some people. That's how I'm supposed to dress for work and it never fails that at least once a week I come into work and feel way too casual or I look in my closet and I know something is way too dressy and I wish it weren't because I really want to wear it. So we got some stuff there and then we went over to the Enteman's (sp) discount store next door. 3 cakes for $5. Yum! Yea, that's not fattening or anything.

Then we went to Taco Bell and picked up some lunch and then went back to the condo to watch a movie with our meal. Sarah and I picked Pieces of April to watch. I think it's a good movie. Not great, but good. Paul fixed my personal laptop because I couldn't get online from it for the past month or so. I don't know what we'd do with our computer issues if we didn't know Paul.

After that I had to run out and check my tires because in cold weather they tend to go flat (yea, I need a new car). Of course my driver's side one was so low that the rim was on the ground. First we had a couple more errands to run so we took Sarah's new car and went to Wal-Mart and Barnes and Noble. we were going to stop at Whole Foods and say hi to John, but he said he was doing inventory and was too busy. Then we got some tire sealant stuff and Paul fixed my tire enough to drive to the gas station where he put air in my tires for me. John drove through the parking lot as we were backing out and made a face at us. We followed him down the street to home.

Then we all sat around and chatted until about 10:00 pm. Sarah and I chatted in me and John's room for a little bit. I realized Sarah had never seen the photos from my first wedding (she was disfellowshipped and couldn't go) so I was showing her those and we were chatting and goofing off away from the boys for a while.

Paul was giving us some advice on housing issues. Mostly about adding an addition onto John's parent's house. It would be kind of like a duplex, but I guess it's all in the way they phrase it to the town. Who knows. I don't want to live in that condo for the rest of our lives. I'm hoping it will at least end up to be a good investment, though. I wouldn't want to go from one condo into another, though, even if it was nicer. I think John and I are of the opinion that we're only moving if it's into a single family, or the deal with his parents. Maybe my dad can help us with some mortgage stuff when he comes out to visit.

Let's see - exciting stuff coming up:
1. RENT opens on Wednesday and John said he'd buy tickets today so we can go see it!!!!
2. Thursday is Thanksgiving and we're going into Boston. I'll miss being at my aunt's house, but I'm hoping this will feel just as cozy and comfortable.
3. Friday I'm doing some extra training at work with Kirsty. Not really exciting, per se, but I'm sure Kirsty and I will have a little bit of fun at least.
4. the best is that on Saturday I get to take Valerie, Kirsty, Sarah, Sadie and John's friend Sarah to the dress fitting and I get to buy my dress!!! I am so excited to order it. That should be so much fun. :)

I liked it. I really did. But I think I have to see it again because right now I like the third one better than the fourth. I hear that's because they had to cut a lot out because the book was so long. Maybe after I read it, some of the plot questions will make sense.

I was nervous going in because there were a LOT of kids there. Little kids. Little brats. It's PG13 for a reason, folks! The movie was very dark. At the very least parents should have gone themselves first before thinking it was an okay idea to bring their five year old to this movie. We even heard a couple little kids sobbing during some of the more intense scenes. Well, that's what you get for bringing a kid who's not even close to being 13... Other than the crying (which is forgivable because maybe it will make their parents think twice about bringing them to something like that again) the kids were surprisingly well behaved and we were able to enjoy the entire movie in silence.

The young couple who sat next to us was nice. John and the guy were talking about keeping all the little kids in line and how he had no problem telling them to shut up if they got out of hand. lol. He had chucks on. I've never met a chuck-wearer that I didn't like. Fortunately we didn't need their skills with children since they were all well-behaved.

So the movie was good...I'll have to see it again. .. And RENT comes out this Wednesday. I had a nightmare last night that I showed up late and didn't get to see it.

I'm waiting for Sarah and Paul to show up. We're going shopping at a few places to find work clothes for Paul and then we'll probably come back here and watch movies or something. At least I actually got to do a few things this weekend. Woo hoo. :)

John asked Paul to be his best man and Paul said yes. He sounds excited about it. Probably just excited about the bachelor party. ;) But seriously, it was good to hear John read his "yes" email and see how happy he was to do it. So that's all settled.

Thanksgiving is approaching quickly. We're going out to Boston. Hope that goes well.

Oh, and I talked to my Dad yesterday. He was supposed to come for a visit but he had too much to do at the house. But he's going to come out and take a look at our kitchen cabinets to see if he can fix them up for us for when we sell this place. And he's going to go over our mortgage with us because it SUCKS and we should probably refinance. But he's being very helpful, which is cool. Well, off to get into "mall-going" clothes. Whatever those are.....

Things are brightening slightly.

We went to the Cocke n' Kettle last night to talk with our wedding coordinator. Her name is Kathy. She's so awesome! She got us so excited about everything again. We sat and talked with her for about an hour and we got to view the rooms again. She suggested that since we liked the carriage room so much better than the red room that maybe we should just change our wedding date.

It's not like John and I had any emotional attachment to the 7th. We just picked a weekend in October, our favorite month. So Kathy said that the 14th and the 28th were free for the carriage room. She even called Erika, the photographer, from her own cell phone to see if she would switch days for us.

So I heard back from Erika today - not a problem. I called the C n' K and they put us in for the 28th. I chose that one because John loves Halloween so at least it'll be about as close as we can get it to his favorite holiday. :)

Kathy talked with us a lot about our interest in Star Wars. She even wanted to see my back tattoo (with the imperial logo on it). She hugged us when she first met us and then hugged us again when we were leaving. It was a huge change from when we first went. The woman was nice, but not really engaged with what we were saying. So meeting with Kathy was awesome! She loved our idea of having a couple friends dress up in TK and escort the wedding party in. She was even coming up with ideas of her own for us. I am very excited about working with her.

Plus, maybe with having the wedding later in the month it will give us more of a chance at getting the church for that day. Since it's closer to November I'm hoping most people won't want to get married that day. How many weddings can possibly be taking place at that church on that day? Also, if we can't get the church, Kathy said it would be no problem to get married in our room at the hall. How cool is that? So we'd just have to call JPs or rent-a-priests and ask how far in advance they usually book up. There's a load off my mind. I'd prefer the church, but that beautiful room will do in a pinch. Stinkin' annullment paperwork. . .

As for wedding party stuff. . .I think it is slowly getting better. John had another guy in mind right from the beginning to be in the wedding party and he didn't ask him because I could only think of a few girls for my side and it was really imporant to John to have even sides. But with a couple people dropping out John has been able to ask this guy to be the best man. He hasn't gotten back to us yet which is why I'm not putting his name here yet, but I'm sure he'll love to do it. He really should have been in it from the beginning, but the "even sides" thing was a top priority for John.

He was about to not get his wish on that either since I only have a maid of honor and one bridesmaid. He was asking me to rack my brain, but I said I wasn't going to ask someone just to ask them. I was only choosing people I felt close to. There are maybe a couple people I could have asked (and would have liked to right from the beginning) but they both live far away and one is even getting married the month before so how much travelling can I really expect the poor girl to do? Then I reminded John that sometimes the bride will have girls on her side who are actually good friends (or cousins, etc) of the groom.

Once John knew that was "normal" (he's obsessed with tradition) he immediately thought of one of his best friends Sarah whom he's known since high school. She's a really great friend of his and she loves Star Wars. He asked her to be a bridesmaid in a star wars wedding and she agreed immediately without further details. She even thought she was going to have to dress up as Leia or something and she was okay with that. lol. She sounds amazing. I'm sure I'm going to love her.

So she's going to go to the dress fitting with Sarah and Kirsty and I and hopefully we're going to get together with her and her boyfriend before that day so that she won't be just thrown into the craziness. She lives out in Allston so it's not that far away I guess. I'm excited about her being in it because she sounds like a sweetheart and she was really excited right off the bat to have been asked.

So that is the little update. Well, big update I guess. :) Wheeee!

My friend Jessica wrote that on the back of a smiley face sticker that had a bullet hole in its head. I haven't heard from her in ages. She lives in Washington state or Oregon or something. Last I heard (granted, from my ex, Jesse, who probably didn't want me talking to her because she's HIS friend and not mine. . .whatever) is that she's an apostate now and hates Jehovah's Witnesses so I guess it's just as well I don't talk to her.

I don't know how I did it but my jaw is absolutely killing me on the left side of my face. Maybe I've been grinding my teeth every night for two weeks. I really have no idea. But it was so bad Tuesday night before we left for Brian's house that I actually took the tylenol/codeine I was given for my surgery. It was giving me a headache all across the top of my head and up the side of my face as well. It's still hurting and it started hurting a couple days before my surgery. I just don't get it. It better not be tooth pain radiating into my jaw because I don't have any health insurance until January so I can't afford this. We just got my $5000 surgery bill the other day too. Life just gets better and better.

We're having to rearrange our wedding party a little bit after an intervention we had the other night. Kind of sucks and it's unexpected, but there are worse things that could happen so we're trying to just move on and forget about it. Not much else we can do. I don't want to get into it a whole lot on here because apparently John and I have managed to offend a whole lot of people without meaning to so I don't want to make it even worse.

I've gotten some of my frustration out by talking to Kerry last night and also I had called Sarah too. I asked Sarah if she thought I was making a mistake marrying John since she knows me the best out of anyone and she said that of course she didn't think that and if she did she would have told me by now. She's happy for me. So are my parents, actually. I find that amazing since they were so upset when I divorced Ray. My mom and dad have said that I'm the happiest I've been in years. I find it odd that anyone would think after going through one divorce that I'm just itching to go through another one. Just because my first marriage didn't work out doesn't mean I don't know how to make a marriage work. It means I didn't want to make it work with that person. If I hadn't been married before maybe this wouldn't be such a huge issue. I hate that too because I only want people at this wedding who are going to be totally supportive and who aren't going to be sitting there thinking "well, this one'll fail just like her first one did" or that I've done all this before so John and I should just slink off to a JP and not bother anyone with our wedding plans.

A mutual love of horror movies does not a strong marriage make. John and I have talked to death just about every issue you could imagine. What will change a year from now? Or two years from now? We'll still be living together, we'll still have not that much money, we'll still want to get married, we'll still want to have kids, etc etc.

We've been living together for a year and a half. That's a perfectly reasonable amount of time to get engaged in. And it's not even like we went out and spent some ridiculous amount on a ring. We just thought "Hey, we've been together a while. We want to get married, and it takes a long time to plan a wedding so lets just start planning." What's the big deal??

This whole situation is just an embarassment. Investing time and energy into people and things only to find out that you totally misinterpreted the whole situation. Good god. Like the guy I asked to walk me down the aisle. . .That's a whole other mess and a half. Sorry that I'm apparently a complete psycho. Every etiquette board I ever checked on that had everyone saying it was perfectly normal (especially at a second wedding) to have a friend do that for you. Sorry that my parents might not even go because it's taking place in a church. I'd really love to know whose business it is to tell me that if my dad's not going I have to walk down myself. Um, no, actually I don't. I just asked someone I thought I was better friends with. True, that was a mistake. But asking a friend in general wasn't. Not that I would make that mistake again after this catastrophe. And people just keep harping on how weird it is. Sheesh, let it go. I'm certainly trying to. I'd like to put this whole big frickin' mess behind me. I've let people walk all over me and such my entire life and it's only over the past couple years that I've started to say enough is enough. You only get so many chances with me. Brynn and Jesse are a perfect example. Man, times like these make me really miss Dawn. My therapist asked me last night if I was going to miss having my friends at my wedding (that was obviously a huge point of discussion) and I said the only one I'd really miss is Dawn.

It's funny because this post probably makes it look like I'm totally pissed off. I'm not. That's the weird thing. I'm just in total shock about this whole thing. I never would have expected this in a million years. Well, I did expect some kind of drama because of people we had filled out annullment paperwork thinking they weren't even invited to the wedding. In fact, John was saying to me, "Oh, it's a meeting of the wedding party so you should bring your wedding planner in case they have questions." I said to him there was no way I was going to need it because mark my words this night was not about wedding planning. I even said I wasn't going to go because I knew it wasn't about wedding planning. But I was assured no drama so John convinced me to go and. . . I foolishly went and then it turned out to be even worse than I was thinking.

Well, congratulations cuz let me tell you - turning a situation into something worse than what my cynical mind can imagine is quite a task. ::sigh::

We also talked to Fr. Kevin last night on the phone to check in about the annullment. All four witnesses have sent in their paperwork and I've signed my statement so the last step is me meeting with the tribunal. But we can't reserve the church until it goes through. We were looking for a bit of reassurance that this will go quickly or maybe he could just "pencil" us in, but no luck there. It was kind of a negative phone call. ::sigh:: I don't know what we'll do if this doesn't go through. We'll have to get married at Valerie and John's or something. Where will we put 100 people??. . . .

Work is sucking hard today. I keep having to ask questions. (So much so that my manager is now going to have me do CST training tomorrow. Augh.) Unfortunately I have to come in for extra training the day after thanksgiving. That sucks. It was supposed to be a four day weekend. But Kirsty is coming back early from Maine just to train me so I should be a bit more appreciative I guess. :) I told her about some of the stuff that happened (I wasn't going to go into great detail) just to make sure that she wasn't going to back out on me too. Not that I'd freak out or something. I've still got Sarah and the maid of honor is really all you need. But I just wanted to check. She basically said no way and she was surprised at how calm I was and that I hadn't gotten up and walked out because if it were her she would've stormed out with a few choice words for people and also now that she's coming home early to train me she can also go dress shopping with us on the 26th, which I'm psyched about. I even asked Valerie (John's mom) if she wanted to go with us just to browse around at "mother of the groom" dresses. So she's going (I'm picking her up), Kirsty is, Sarah is and she's bringing Sadie to try on flower girl dresses. Eeee. I'm so excited. I asked my mom if she wanted to go too but she hasn't answered me yet. We'll see.

Sarah and I were already looking at the FG dresses. They are so sweet. :)
I had such an untraditional wedding the first time around that it'll be kind of cool to go this route with John. Not that this is all about the wedding because it's so not. My first wedding I barely even cared about the details. I just wanted to be married officially, even if it was at a JP or something. This time around I care a bit more, which I think is a good sign. No one knows better than someone who's been divorced that the wedding is just one day but the marriage is a whole lot longer. As my friend Paul said, "Forever's a looooooong time."

Well, the 80's tunes are blaring out of J's computer so that's cool to listen to during the day. And tonight John and I get to go to the Cocke n' Kettle and go over reception details. I'm excited about that, though I'm losing some of my steam for the Star Wars touches we were going to throw in. But whatever. Losing steam on that just makes the details less. . . .detailed, and easier to handle so who cares. Back to work. Wow, long entry. I've got to start making these shorter and easier to read. Sorry.

Ever seen Intervention? Man, that's a good show. I watched it the other night on A&E. I've never felt like I was on it, though.... That's an interesting feeling. You always wonder how those people put on the spot feel. I mean, true, they're crack addicts and stuff and you can only sympathize so much, but it's till interesting to think about. Mostly I think you just wouldn't know what to say. I always have this horrible urge to laugh when someone is yelling at me or is upset about something. It's not that I think it's funny; it's that it's just my stress reaction. Cofrontation either makes me giggle or cry. I can't stand confrontation and I never know what to say without crying. One sentence will send me over the edge. Yea, that must be how some of those people feel.

Tonight I have therapy, which I've missed since before I had my surgery. I've got lots to catch up on with her. Good thing I keep a journal (a written one in additon to this) or I wouldn't be able to keep it all straight between wedding stuff, family stuff, etc.

Tomorrow we're going to look at our reception site again and pick out menu choices. Our guest list has gone up, then down, then up again....it'll be nice once it's all settled and we know exactly who we're inviting.

I called Sarah on our way home from Brian and Jodi's last night (Jodi did have dance class after all) and talked to her for about a half hour on the drive. We never talk on the phone like that usually and I thought it was really nice. She's the one person in the entire world that knows practically everything there is to know about me. One of those friendships where you're just sitting silently next to each other and you both start laughing about the same thing without talking about it. I love that.

My problem is I have such an easy time opening up to people at first - I spill my life's story to them and then I find out it wasn't worth it and they never share anything back or they totally screw me over or something. So now I try to avoid doing that, but it's just in my personality and every once in a while it happens still. Good friends are hard to come by and even harder to keep. I'm thankful Sarah and I have known each other since I was born and have been best friends since I was practically two years old. lol.

After that I got off the phone and John and I chatted about life, the universe, and everything on the rest of the ride home. By the time we got home I was starving so I had the rest of my chicken nuggets from McDonalds...real healthy. But I also had some carrot sticks so maybe the evens it out. We watched the new episode of Real World, always a winner, and then went to bed.

Ray told me that he got the annullment paperwork from the church. He tried calling the phone number they gave him like a million times, but he could never get in touch with the person's name they gave him. Oh well. He's also moving again so he's getting rid of Knuckles (our remaining ferret) and Atreides (the goldies lorikeet I bought him a couple years ago). So I posted them on Craig's List for him and we found a great home for Atreides already. Ray thinks his ex Sara Beth might take Knuckles so that'd be nice. I wish I could take him, but with seven birds and a cat and dog I don't think so! So at least we had a civil conversation about that.

Last night I had about five seperate nightmares about wedding stuff. And that was just between 4 a.m. (when I got up for my shower) and 7 a.m. when I got up for work. I had one where Ray was there yelling at someone in our wedding party.....odd. Some of them weren't really nightmares, they were just weird. Like John and I went up to Maine to stay at La Maison Bleu and some of the people we asked to be in the wedding were there and. . . . it was just really weird. I had similiar dreams that were all seperate. Needless to say I am not very rested this morning. My eyes are all puffy and I've got one of those headaches that goes across your whole head and even makes your face hurt. Super fun!

And to top it all off I don't even really have anything to look forward to this weekend. We're going to SMF, but I'm not psyched about that because at this point I'm just tired. I'm so tired. And then Sunday. . . oh wait, Sarah said she might come over. That will be fun if she can. Paul got a new job at my company. He's going to be in Westborough, though, but it's still the same company as me. Kinda cool. Sadie's going to be in pre-k at their daycare there. I think she'll like that. Hanging out with kids your age is good, instead of us boring adults all the time. lol. I miss Sadie too. And Paul. We haven't seen them in forever.

It's only 10:05 and I REALLY want to go home. . . .

Yesterday I had a nice talk with the two girls I work with and we agreed that I wasn't quite ready to be on-call yet because I missed out on so much work when I had my surgery. So they were really great about it and I think I figured out why they seemed kind of grumpy when I came back.

So I have three more weeks to really kick it into high gear and learn all I can before it's my turn to be on-call. And hopefully by then most of my busy stuff with be over with. We have so much to do these next couple weeks.

I got an order from Amazon yesterday. So exciting. I got a second wedding planner; it's a list one for planning. I also got John "The idiot's guide to being a groom" because he keeps saying "I've never done this before so I don't know about___________" fill in the blank. I think he liked it. It's not a big super special gift or anything, but it's practical.

Last night I stayed up late and watched the regular West Wing marathon on Bravo on Mondays. I heart that show. It's just so good! Then I went to bed, got up at 4 a.m. so I could take my shower and have John help me with my back bandage, then went back to sleep until 7:00 and came into work. It's just J and I for most of the day. B is working second shift today. So it's at least less crowded here. They have us in the most ridiculously cramped spot.

Tonight we're going over Brian and Jodi's house, but I think Jodi has dance class and won't be there. So it'll be me and John and his groomsmen. Should be a fun time I think. I'm hoping anyway. There was such weirdness for a while between everyone. I found it really frustrating because we were just trying to figure out what was going on and why everyone was mad at us and then in the process everyone got even more mad at us for asking questions in the first place. drama, drama, drama.

So it's a pretty good day. I drove into work listening to Green Day and then I had a little bit of a "geek out" with a guy who came in here to visit (used to work here). He saw a Fett patch on my jacket and asked if I knew what it was. I'm like, "Of course. It's star wars!" So he lifts up his sleeve and he has an entire Boba Fett scene tattooed on his upper arm. I showed him my back one that has the imperial logo on it. Then he had one on his ankle and asked if I knew what it was. "Yea, that's the Black Sun symbol." I guess no one ever knows what it is. When J came back to her seat I told her she missed it and she was like "oh darn" ::rolls eyes:: :)

Back to work I guess. But I'm outta here at 5:00, go home, wrap a few presents and then head out to Brian's. Busy week this week, but it should be a good time for the most part.

You know how you're putting away clothes one day or picking out something to wear and you randomly think, "Hey, what happened to that.....I used to have?" A couple days ago I was folding laundry and I came across a green Maine Diner t-shirt that I love. That got me thinking of a brown one that I bought this past summer when John, Paul, Sarah and I went to Maine. I LOVE that t-shirt. I wore it at least once a week for the rest of the summer. I even got tattooed in it (my lovebird tat on my arm).

So I rifled through all my drawers and even the bag of clothes I have for Salvation Army and I couldnt' find it. It was driving me crazy!

For the past few days I've thought "did I throw it out?" "what could have happened to that shirt?"

Last night we went out to dinner with John's parents (Bugaboo Creek, quite good) and when we got home I folded some more laundry and John started to get ready for bed. Cut ahead a half hour to 8:45...John's ready for bed...I wanted to watch the Apprentice Star Wars episode at nine...and I've just had the random thought that maybe my Maine Diner tee fell behind a drawer and onto the floor underneath my bureau.

So I tore out the bottom drawer and guess what I found. A kitten! Wait, no, she climbed in there after I took the drawer out. I found my favorite t-shirt. Thank goodness today was casual Friday or I would have had withdrawals from not being able to wear it.

I'm also wearing my torn favorite jeans with the Dropkick Murphy's patch covering up my FOUR attempts at sewing up the tear. But I put a nice white button up sweater and nice brown dress shoes on so it evens out the grubbiness.

I have a dry erase board on my wall at work (we work in the customer service section and don't really even have our own space so I shouldn't say "my" wall really) that is filled top to bottom with things I have to do over the next few weeks. Crazy. Here's what my schedule is shaping up to look like:

11/11 (tonight) - Paul, Sarah and Sadie coming over
11/12 - the lady who took my last lovebird baby is bringing her and her buddy for a visit and bringing back the carrier I let her borrow.
11/14 - Second post op doctor's appointment at 9:00 am
11/15 - John (and me too I think) are going to his best man's house to talk about wedding stuff
11/16 - therapy at 6:00 pm
11/17 - did I tell you we found a reception site? Well, we did and it's beautiful. We put a deposit down yesterday and on the 17th at 6:00 we're going to discuss details.
11/18 - party at a friend's house and Harry Potter opens, but we won't be seeing it that night.
11/19 - Kirsty and I are going to look at the two bridesmaid dresses at 10:00 am. Then it's a race back home to get out to SuperMegaFest so that John can troop as Fett (Jeremy Bulloch will be there) and I can don my Boushh costume again.
11/22 - Dentist at 4:00 pm
11/23 - RENT opens. I am so psyched!!!
11/26 - BIG bridal appointment. Jodi, Sarah, me, Sadie and I think John's mom are going to try on dresses and pick the bridesmaid dress and flower girl dress.
Oh, and in March (a ways away, granted, but it's still on my board so it counts) is the RV show at the Centrum Centre that my dad and I have gone to twice now. I wanna go again.

Crazy crazy.

Yesterday I had an appointment at 3:00 in Auburn to look at dresses. John drove out with me and sat in the car because we were going to my parents' for dinner afterwards. Sarah met me there (she got a new car. a vibe - so cool) so that she could help me with decisions.

Last time I went there I tried on a number of dresses and of those picked three that I really liked. So this time around I tried on one more that the girl thought I would like (I did, but it was just "too much dress") and tried on two of the three that I loved. I ruled out the third and didn't bother trying it on because it was a halter top and I wasn't crazy about that.

Long story short, I think I found my dress. Everything I tried on after this one in particular just wasn't quite as good as the first one and to me that pretty much signifies that I found it. In fact, I finished up so quickly that we still had a half hour for Sarah to try on bridesmaid dresses. She found one that she absolutely loved that was a-line with a criss-crossed waist. So while she was trying that on I asked if they had anything else with a wrapped waist since that's so flattering on everyone.

Sarah tried on the first one and really loved it. It even had a little bit of a train in the back and it was just gorgeous on her and I thought for sure she wouldn't even want to bother with the one other dress they had found, but I had her try it on anyway since it will be nice to have choices for Jodi and Kirsty to look at. Oh. . .my. . .god. . . the second dress looked absolutely phenomenal on her! I was more excited about hers than mine when we were leaving the store. :)

So now it's just a matter of getting me, Sarah, Sadie, Kirsty and Jodi out to Auburn so that Jodi and Kirsty can try on the two dresses and figure out which one they like. I figure even if they both like the first dress better Sarah can still get the second one since she's the maid of honor and can look a little different. Then we just have to pick out a flower girl dress for Sadie that will match.

I'd describe my dress but I don't want to give anything away and I know John reads this so you'll just have to wait.

Afterwards we ran over to my parents' house (just me and John) and had Chinese food with them. It was a fun evening. My dad even offered John a beer, which is a rare occurence. But we still had to deal with Mom asking us about four times if we were sure we wanted to get married. I was really surprised at that since everytime I talk to her about it she says that her and Dad think I'm much happier now and whatnot. I think she thought she was being funny or something, but it just wasn't. Anyway, other than that it was a fun night. We didn't leave until almost nine.

That's not the drama part though. The drama part comes in with wedding plans and trying to make all our friends happy and feeling really let down by some people lately. I don't want to really get into it, but basically I really hate drama and we've been surrounded by it lately. John asked a guy to be in the wedding party and he turned him down. I can't imagine turning someone down to be in the wedding. Being asked to be in a wedding is a great honor, to me anyway. I've never once been asked to be in a friend's wedding. Well, that's not entirely true. My friend Brynn did ask me to be a bridesmaid, but there was some SERIOUS drama surrounding her wedding and a certain person involved and I basically ended up telling her if I wasn't important enough to not invite this person then I wasn't important enough to be in the wedding. Then a few months later I got disfellowshipped so who knows if she would have corrected it or not. I doubt it.

I didn't even get asked to be in one of my other bridesmaid's wedding (from my first wedding). I mean, these are supposed to be the people you're closest to and I was lucky to even get to say "hello" to her on her wedding day. It sucked. So I thought really seriously about who I was going to ask this time around. I didn't want to make the mistakes I made last time. John thought long and hard about it too. And now it's just gotten way out of hand. I'm sure it'll all smooth over, but it's just so frustrating.

::sigh:: Other than that I can look forward to a day of a whole lotta nothing. John's at work until 7:00 so all I'll be doing is cleaning and maybe watching a movie by myself. Oh, and listening to screaming birds. And then it's back to work tomorrow. Yippee.

Off to wash some dishes.

One of my best friends, Dawn, had a baby boy in October. Here is a picture of him. I can't wait to meet him when I am reinstated next year. At times I think "a year. . .that's not so bad." And then events like this happen and I think "Hmm, that justice of the peace wedding next month is looking pretty good." But I never want to regret a serious decision in my life and I know if I rushed this wedding I would really regret it.

Anyway, here is the picture. Isn't he adorable?? (And Dawn's not half bad either. ;) )

We missed Bob's party. I was too sore. I also had to cancel a wedding dress appointment I had that day as well. I'm falling behind on that a little bit. It's hard to get all the girls together for bridesmaid dresses, and then with my dress I don't want to buy one too early and regret it. I'd rather we get the bridesmaids out of the way too so that I don't have to go into a bridal store after I've picked out my gown and find one I like better. I just want to get it all settled.

I went back to work Friday, foolishly. I can't be sure but I think the girls were a little ticked with me for missing work. But truth be told, I shouldn't have even been here on Friday. I should have still been home on the couch. By the time I got home it was all I could do to make it to the couch to lie down.

Today has been only slightly better. I had my post op appointment at my surgeon's. She said I'm healing nicely but I'll still have to use bacitracin and bandages or gauze for another couple weeks and she wants to see me in two weeks again as well. My pathology came back and everything looks normal. No cancer or anything odd, so that's good to hear, not that I was worried. It was a pretty routine thing.

I told my surgeon how I had gone back to work and no one (including me) had really anticipated how serious the surgery was going to be. She was surprised I had gone back and she said that people don't often get how painful and annoying this can be. She also said she felt really bad for me because I guess this type of thing is more painful on thin people (Hey, she said I was thin. yay.)because of it being right on the bone and such. So she said she could only imagine how much pain I was in. That was reassuring to hear. I was feeling so bad about not being in work and she made me feel a lot better about even going back when I did.

Last night we took Pixel over to John's parents' house. We had dinner there and Pixel was in her little pumpkin costume. John and I wore our Harry Potter stuff just because we have no where else to wear it really. Pixel was a big hit when a couple of the neighbors came over with their kids. It was fun. I like being in that house. It's almost as comforting as my childhood house that my parents still live in.

John's been great taking care of me. I have to get up early with him at 3:30 most days so that he can help me with my surgery stuff. It's icky, but at least it's getting better.

Our friends got the annullment paperwork. I wonder if Ray did? No idea. I never hear from him anymore. Just as well I suppose. All we do is fight when we do talk since he doesn't think I should get married again, like ever. But Sarah filled it out already, bless her, and she's sending it off. Paul, Aaron and Bob are still working on it. I guess there are questions on there that apply to before I was married and Aaron and Bob didn't know me then so they're a bit confused.

My cousin Shannon had her baby last night. A boy. He was born on Halloween. Even as a JW, I think that's kind of cool. Easy way to remember. . . Shannon's not a JW, though. None of my family is. Just me and my mom. Shannon has a twin, Megan, and an older sister Erin. They're my only cousins that are "whole" cousins. I have two that are half and two that are step. We don't really think of it that way. My mom's step dad was basically her dad her whole life. But technically Shannon, Megan and Erin are my only full cousins. Erin already has two kids and now Shannon has one too. Kind of neat. I can't wait to see everyone. Maybe at the holidays.

I'll be on-call Christmas day, New Years's Eve and New Year's Day (and all the days in between). I volunteered for the New Year's stuff since I don't drink. Dealing with license keys when you have a hang over would not be fun. :)