I could just scream
I did find a home for my Quicksilver and Goldmoon. I am so sad to give them up. The guy from my work is going to take them. I just hope when we meet him tomorrow that he doesn't turn out to be a complete scumbag. Most of the people who work here have to at least look normal and send out some small sense of normalcy so I'm sure he'll be okay (it is a professional environment in a HUGE company after all). I'm going to meet him outside of my building tomorrow at 5:00. And John suggested that I give him our new breeder cage with the birds. It's kind of pointless for us now that TK and Peachy Keen don't have to be seperated anymore. So they'll go into Silver and Gold's cage (which I've never been fond of, but whatever) and Silver and Gold will get a nice shiny (practically new) cage to go to their new home in. The thing is huge. I'm sure they'll love it. Maybe Quicksilver can actually get away from Goldmoon occasionally, poor hen-pecked little guy.
I'm working from home tomorrow. I have a couple doctor's appointments so I felt it was silly to come in to work and my manager said that I can work from home for the afternoon.
One of those appointments is my third post op appointment. I feel a lot better than I did a month ago but I never expected the recovery process to take this long and I am still sore so I wish I could just feel normal again.
My second appointment is therapy. I don't feel like I have anything specific to be upset about, but as the title states. . .
This whole thing with some former members of our wedding party really sent me for a loop. Then when we went dress shopping on Saturday my mom said something completely stupid to John's mom and then John's mom told me about it last night and I so just want everyone to move on. Plus I've got to deal with feeling like a complete failure as a pet owner. There is so much going on and it's far too complicated to explain in a blog entry. It's especially not even worth it when you have maybe three readers anyway. Not that that would keep me from having a blog - I write for me, not for an audience. But some things aren't as important to write about when you know no one's reading it. I know what I feel and what I'm dealing with and going through so that's all that matters.
I've decided to have a lot less dealings with the 501st. That saddens me because that group was such an integral part of my life for the past three years. And once I got disfellowshipped I was really pulling my entire friend base from there as well. It's always sad to find out that a friendship meant far more to you than it did to the other person. I've had to move on from a few people like that in my life. I know I can do it again. But you'd really think by the time you are 23 that things would be a bit different than they were in high school and that you wouldn't have to be "moving on" from people you are supposedly friends with. I haven't spoken to anyone in there directly except for two people and only one of them is still in the wedding party and even him I haven't talked to in a while. I had to contact people first instead of them taking action when I really feel that John and I were very much wronged. Everyone I've told this situation to (with no names of course) was totally and completely shocked that we didn't just get up, walk out, and say goodbye for good. I'm not like that, though.
I'm just so done with all of this. While making up guest list after guest list for our wedding, John and I have really had an opportunity to evaluate where people stand in our lives (not just with this wedding party situation, but with everyone). And where we stand in theirs. And I gotta say, while I'm not entirely okay with looking around and saying, "wow, this is really all that's left, eh?" (as in, of the entire friendship base I've had my whole life, these few people are all that's left) I also have to say that it's not an entirely bad thing either. As you get older you have less time for bullshit. Less time for things that are not worth your time. I go to work every day, on my days off I take care of the house, I take care of John (and him me) and I take care and play with my pets. I have a couple really good friends and a few aquaintances and I think I'm beginning to be okay with that.
It'll be sad not to do as many 501st events anymore. Though we were told that it's not like we show up to them anyway. . . K. But it'll be good too. So much time and money has gone into costumes and now I think we (me for sure, and John is coming around too now) are realizing that sometimes it's just not worth it. Sometimes there are more important things in life. And when something in my life starts causing me more stress than joy. . . .well, it's time to cut that out.
Tonight I am going home and John is making me breakfast for dinner, which I am very much looking forward to. We will sit down and watch some of our favorite show ever - Star Trek: TNG - and then we will go to bed and snuggle and I will love that. Tomorrow morning I get to sleep in because post op isn't until 9:40 a.m. and then I'm going to go home and clean all the bird cages because they are way past due. I'll switch Quicksilver and Goldmoon and TK and Peachy Keen into their new homes and then I will relax. John'll be home around 1:30 and we'll hang out and then we'll get in the car and bring my two birds to their new home and I will say goodbye to them and maybe cry a little (though I think I got all my tears out today at work) and then we will go on to therapy. And maybe John will sit on it with me because so much of what I want to talk about involves him. Not necessarily something that is bothering me about him, but just things that involve him because John is the biggest part of my life and I want to talk about all of that tomorrow night. And maybe tomorrow night John will have an excited moment about the wedding. . .about me. . . and all this stress will melt away in some ways. Stress that we are putting on each other and stress that others have put on us.
Tonight I want to rest. Tonight I want to forget about stupid things. Tonight I want to pretend I don't have a job I hate (for the most part) and way too much stress in my life for someone my age. Tonight I am going to relax and just be.
I'm working from home tomorrow. I have a couple doctor's appointments so I felt it was silly to come in to work and my manager said that I can work from home for the afternoon.
One of those appointments is my third post op appointment. I feel a lot better than I did a month ago but I never expected the recovery process to take this long and I am still sore so I wish I could just feel normal again.
My second appointment is therapy. I don't feel like I have anything specific to be upset about, but as the title states. . .
This whole thing with some former members of our wedding party really sent me for a loop. Then when we went dress shopping on Saturday my mom said something completely stupid to John's mom and then John's mom told me about it last night and I so just want everyone to move on. Plus I've got to deal with feeling like a complete failure as a pet owner. There is so much going on and it's far too complicated to explain in a blog entry. It's especially not even worth it when you have maybe three readers anyway. Not that that would keep me from having a blog - I write for me, not for an audience. But some things aren't as important to write about when you know no one's reading it. I know what I feel and what I'm dealing with and going through so that's all that matters.
I've decided to have a lot less dealings with the 501st. That saddens me because that group was such an integral part of my life for the past three years. And once I got disfellowshipped I was really pulling my entire friend base from there as well. It's always sad to find out that a friendship meant far more to you than it did to the other person. I've had to move on from a few people like that in my life. I know I can do it again. But you'd really think by the time you are 23 that things would be a bit different than they were in high school and that you wouldn't have to be "moving on" from people you are supposedly friends with. I haven't spoken to anyone in there directly except for two people and only one of them is still in the wedding party and even him I haven't talked to in a while. I had to contact people first instead of them taking action when I really feel that John and I were very much wronged. Everyone I've told this situation to (with no names of course) was totally and completely shocked that we didn't just get up, walk out, and say goodbye for good. I'm not like that, though.
I'm just so done with all of this. While making up guest list after guest list for our wedding, John and I have really had an opportunity to evaluate where people stand in our lives (not just with this wedding party situation, but with everyone). And where we stand in theirs. And I gotta say, while I'm not entirely okay with looking around and saying, "wow, this is really all that's left, eh?" (as in, of the entire friendship base I've had my whole life, these few people are all that's left) I also have to say that it's not an entirely bad thing either. As you get older you have less time for bullshit. Less time for things that are not worth your time. I go to work every day, on my days off I take care of the house, I take care of John (and him me) and I take care and play with my pets. I have a couple really good friends and a few aquaintances and I think I'm beginning to be okay with that.
It'll be sad not to do as many 501st events anymore. Though we were told that it's not like we show up to them anyway. . . K. But it'll be good too. So much time and money has gone into costumes and now I think we (me for sure, and John is coming around too now) are realizing that sometimes it's just not worth it. Sometimes there are more important things in life. And when something in my life starts causing me more stress than joy. . . .well, it's time to cut that out.
Tonight I am going home and John is making me breakfast for dinner, which I am very much looking forward to. We will sit down and watch some of our favorite show ever - Star Trek: TNG - and then we will go to bed and snuggle and I will love that. Tomorrow morning I get to sleep in because post op isn't until 9:40 a.m. and then I'm going to go home and clean all the bird cages because they are way past due. I'll switch Quicksilver and Goldmoon and TK and Peachy Keen into their new homes and then I will relax. John'll be home around 1:30 and we'll hang out and then we'll get in the car and bring my two birds to their new home and I will say goodbye to them and maybe cry a little (though I think I got all my tears out today at work) and then we will go on to therapy. And maybe John will sit on it with me because so much of what I want to talk about involves him. Not necessarily something that is bothering me about him, but just things that involve him because John is the biggest part of my life and I want to talk about all of that tomorrow night. And maybe tomorrow night John will have an excited moment about the wedding. . .about me. . . and all this stress will melt away in some ways. Stress that we are putting on each other and stress that others have put on us.
Tonight I want to rest. Tonight I want to forget about stupid things. Tonight I want to pretend I don't have a job I hate (for the most part) and way too much stress in my life for someone my age. Tonight I am going to relax and just be.
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